I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
