im six kinds of drunk right now
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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