Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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