I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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