I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
