I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
