I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
