Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
