You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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