and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
