How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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