I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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