Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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