did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
