I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
