remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Randomize
