I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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