I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
either way he was missing a nipple.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
