That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
