Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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