you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
