I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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