Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
