The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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