Betty ford says i'm here all night
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
