Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
What drink are we having for lunch?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
