Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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