your parents love me but you hate me
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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