I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
