If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Randomize
