Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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