So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
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