im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
