Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
