I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
