Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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