I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
