My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
