i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
