Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
