i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
