I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
