He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
