Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I'm really busy with my period
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