Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
