On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
