All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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