My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
