the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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