He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
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