just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
